Silence

Sometimes silence says a lot. I love blogging. I love posting pictures of my kids and updating everyone on what our family is up to. So when the blog goes silent, something must be up, right?

We've been trying to have another baby for over a year. For the past 3 months I've been on a drug that has left me pretty nauseous a lot of the time. Not puking, just a general feeling of sickness. It is more of an annoyance than anything. Nothing worse than feeling pregnant when you're not, right?

I'll be going through some tests in a couple weeks to see if I can get a diagnosis. I'm hoping this will help the overall process move along so we can pinpoint what exactly is going on. Just to clarify, I have been this way my entire life (annovulatory with extremely long cycles), so it's not something recent. I've been sidetracked with BBT charts, OPKs, blood draws every two weeks, constant calls to the Dr., and accupuncture. Let's get this show on the road, already! I constantly self-diagnose with things like PCOS, blocked tubes, no hormones, vitamin B deficiency, etc.

Tyler gave me a wonderful blessing on Sunday. It said that there was a reason this was happening, and it had nothing to do with what I was, or am doing. If the Lord is protecting us, I'm all for it.

Another interesting analogy of how I feel was expressed by Lady Gaga of all people (not that I am a huge fan, but she was on Oprah). She said when she is trying to produce an album, or come up with her next idea, it is like being in a hallway. All the doors behind her are open, and all the doors in front of her are closed. And she is just trying to open the next door. The process of getting it open, in her words, was really difficult, and it was difficult for other people to be around her. Sometimes the next door opens quickly, but sometimes it takes a long time to get it open.

I know we have a door in front of us. And I apologize if it is hard to be around me in the meantime. Now how the heck do I get it open?

I really can't believe I am outing myself on my blog. If you ask me, I am super open in person about my issues, but not on the blog. I have tried to keep it totally positive. But for anyone else struggling, and to fulfill my promise at the beginning of the year to be more honest, here it is. To some 3 kids is a lot, and having more brings judgement. To anyone struggling I extend my thoughts and prayers for you because the pain trying to bear children is real. It hurts. A lot.

But I don't want to be in this hurting mode any more. I'm trying to find a way to not let my situation get me down. We're dreamers in this family ... Tyler with his entrepreneur ambitions and me with family ambitions. Yesterday I was reading a book, however, and caught a glimpse of me without this issue. The sun was out, my heart was light, and I was just so optimistic and joyful. My arms were outstretched to the sky, my head was back, and it was so bright I could hardly see!

It was wonderful.